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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Rough Day ... Rough Year

I awaken from a sound sleep to my phone vibrating ... It reads "Sara Beth Cell". My stomach drops because she never calls me. With my eyes still half way closed I open my phone and say "Hello" in a groggy morning voice. I opened it too late. I try to call her back. No answer. I call one more time, still no answer. My home phone rings.

Kaprice: Hello.
Daniel: Hey, did you talk to Sara Beth?
Kaprice: No, she wouldn't pick up. What happened?
Daniel: Are you sitting down?
Kaprice: What the f_ck happened Daniel!?
Daniel: Cassie's dead Kaprice. She ...
Kaprice: *Crying* WHAT? What happened? You're joking right?
Daniel: No baby, she had a heart attack and died.
Kaprice: Oh my god. Oh my god. Please tell me this isn't happening. My heart hurts. I think I'm about to throw up. Let me go.

I hung up the phone and began weeping. My stomach hurt, my heart hurt, my whole body hurt. I had just lost the most precious person I have ever known.

I'm not going to beat around the bush with fancy words, my second mom passed away Saturday and I can't seem to get out of my funk. This is by far, the roughest thing I've had to deal with.

If you remember, last November Cassie's son David had a heart attack while driving and died immediately. Cassie couldn't accept it and apparently mourned herself to death.

Cassie was my second mom and her family was my second family. We spent Thanksgivings and Christmas's together. We spent birthday's together and saw each other quite often. For a bit, we went to church together. She was my Mommy Cassie and I was their "self-adopted daughter".

When I was 6 weeks old my Mom had to go back to work and needed a babysitter. Long story short, Cassie had 2 boys and wanted a daughter. She told my mom that she wanted to keep a girl who she could call her own and be a part of her life forever. :o) My mom agreed because she was a single mom working 2 jobs and she wanted someone to love me as much as she did. 26 years later .... I'm still a part of their family and they're a part of mine.

Ray (second dad) included me in the obituary and I must say, that touched me. They also included photos of me and my family in with the video they showed. :o( That was emotional. When it came time for the funeral, I was sitting with family right beside Ray. Bless his heart, he was squeezing my hand so hard I thought we were going to have to have a funeral for my hand when we were finished with Cassie's funeral. I'm not lying, the tips of my fingers were purple.

Here it is Wednesday and I'm still like ... blah. I don't want to be this way but I just don't care. I went to work last night and I just wanted to curl up in a corner and go to sleep. I have tried to get back into the swing of things but I just don't want to.

Ray told my mom that he wanted me to come up to his house this weekend and go through Cassie's jewelry and I'm just not up for it right now. Well, my mom was like, she's off Saturday I'll tell her to come up there. HELLO? It's MY Saturday and I don't want to spend it going up there and crying all day. I'm sorry but I took that day off to celebrate my anniversary. My dad's birthday was Monday and we still haven't done anything for his birthday and I told my mom that we can do something for his birthday that day, too. Then, she goes off and just offers my day to do something sad. NO! I already plan on going up to see Ray Monday. He can wait. I tried to call them but they didn't answer the phone.

It's just a rough week. You know, these past couple of years have been rough. My uncle (stepdad's brother) died about a month before JD was born of a drug over dose. Then his mom (stepdad's mom) died 6 weeks after JD was born. My cat died this past October. David died in November. My cousin Jessica was hospitalized all of December and died January 22 of this year. Nicole, a girl from our church died in June and now here it is August and Cassie has passed. What the hell is going on?

1 comment:

Lori Darlin said...

Hey girl! I totally understand how u feel. For two years of my life.. several ppl past away including my father, then like his brother which was my uncle, and then my grandmother and another person and another person. It was the roughest time in my life but I made it. With alot of friends and family members by my side and a lot of prayer to. Just wanted u to know that I will keeping u in my prayers for the next few days. If u need to just vent or whatever.. I will gladly listen.
Loretta

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