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Sunday, June 28, 2009

I Thought I was Strong ...

New here? You need to read the previous entries to understand any of this!

And remember ... read the tagline below the title up there! :o)

Um ... how do I put this? I think I have some people fooled. For the past couple of days I've heard things like, "You're a strong person, you'll pull through this", "God is on your side, he'll give you strength." And I appreciate all of these comments, really I do. But ... I think I'm fooling some folks and have on a great mask.

I know I'm a strong person but y'all, I'm mourning right now. I'm in pain and I miss the thought of perhaps having a little girl.

From the beginning of my pregnancy with J.D. I knew ... I KNEW I was having a little boy. And from the beginning of this one I felt it was going to be a little girl.

I called it a her and her name would have been Kalynn Grace Williams. :o) And y'all ... I didn't want a girl. lol I would be blessed to have all boys ... But look, we were at Wal-Mart Saturday night getting some things to make a banana pudding and I saw all of these girls and I felt like they all sensed I was going through a hard time because they all smiled at me when they looked at me and continued to watch me. I don't know if it was my sad smile when I looked at them but ... something made them notice me. Broke my heart. But it was the darndest thing.

I rode home with the windows rolled down jammin' out to 80's music but I was in my own world. I'll admit ... I was having a "what might've been" moment. My due date was 2 days after my birthday. She could've been born on my birthday and then we really would've fought because she'd be just like me. haha ... Ah ... What might've been .... Atleast she'd been awesome. All Capricorn's are great! *wink*

It's hard not to drift into dreams like that when you go through something like this. I can't help it. And I try to be strong and say I can make it through this. Women do it EVERYDAY and everyday life goes on. I KNOW! This is just a little harder than I imagined. I don't know why. The spiritual side of me is saying ... "it's the Devil putting these thoughts in your mind". And the realistic side of me is saying ... "Honey, this is just life. And in life, when you're sad, your just that ... sad!" *sigh*

I don't drink ... but I want to.
And I don't smoke ... but I want to.
Why though ... ?
Seriously ... like those things are going to help!? Uh .. NO!

Then I argue with myself again ... Give a sacrifice of praise and open your Bible and just read ... Be by yourself and just pray ... Turn on the radio and sing worship songs. I'm not a baby Christian anymore and I know what I need to do ... But the rebel deep down just don't want to. How sad ....

So anyways... I'm going to stop here before I keep rambling. Please pray for me ... And keep me in your prayers.


The Wilburn's said...

Casting Crowns said it best when they said "I'll praise You in this storm." It's easy knowing what we should do as Christians but it's doing it that sometimes seems so difficult. I cant even imagine what you went through and are still going through but I praise and thank God everyday for giving me my friends...friends like you, that remind me of what life is really about...Christ. You don't have to be "strong" you just got to give it back to God. I love ya girl.

Jana Floyd said...

One thing that Scott and I lived by when we were going through just that was what Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!" I know you do trust Him, but we are human. We still feel those twinges of rebellion in these times. I just want to encourage you. I'm praying for you! Remember His strength is made perfect in our weakness. You don't have to be strong. Just lean on Him.

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