Sigh .... Here's where I can talk without you hearing my emotions. Here's where I can say everything and don't see everyone's expressions.
I had to go to the doctor last week because I was spotting brown blood (old blood). So, the doctor wanted me to come to to have an ultrasound to make sure things were fine. I had an ultrasound and everything was "perfect". Heartbeat looked great. I even got to watch my little love bug wiggle around inside my belly. :o) Very sweet.
Well, I had a scheduled appointment Wednesday for the genetic testing for like down syndrome and all that. I was to have a bunch of blood work done. We didn't quite make it that far because when my doctor went to listen to the heartbeat on that hand held device she couldn't find it. I knew instantly that wasn't good. At 12 weeks you should be able to find something like that fairly quickly.
She sent me over to the ultrasound room and to make a long story short, we tried another ultrasound on the outside of my belly and when the picture came up I told her "I don't see a white blinking dot" ... Rebecca, the ultrasound lady, pressed her lips together and then took a deep breath. I said "Just be honest and straight up with me." She told me I knew the routine and put a paper blanket thing on my legs. That meant get up, we're doing an internal ultrasound. So, I did as I was told and she came back in. She did her thing and it was confirmed when there wasn't a heartbeat. :o( After a few minutes of a nervous breakdown the doctor came in and confirmed it again ... And then there was another breakdown. It was a sad moment for everyone in the room because I have been going there for a while. We'd gotten to know each other ...
Apparently, my little lovebug didn't have an organ that formed right or something because they said it's rare to see the baby have a good heartbeat and move around like it did and then within a couple days of that, die. :o( Sad ... Only God knows though .... right!
She explained to me I had to have a D&C and what that involved. Gross. Scary. I asked her if I would be put to sleep and she said I would and told me NEXT TUESDAY would be when it happens. ? I thought why so long but didn't think much of it. I'm not a doctor. I miscarried before but only at 7 weeks and I didn't have to have all this done.
I decided to work Thursday because I'm better when I'm busy. I deal with things better when I'm being productive. While I was at work I went to the bathroom and I had bright red stringy blood coming out and I told my boss I had to leave immediately. While I was on my way home I called my doctor's nurse and told her what was going on. She gave me some options and I agreed to come in Friday morning and have the procedure done there in the office. She told me that the reason they had it for Tuesday was because I asked if I would be put to sleep and that means something different to doctors than it does to me. She thought I wanted to be completely knocked out.
So, that brings us to yesterday morning. I didn't sleep Thursday night at all I was cramping terribly and knew when I stood up everything might fall out. And it did. As soon as I got in the shower blood came rushing out and I was again ... having a nervous breakdown. Sobbing and scared I managed to get though it, get dressed and get to the doctor. Thank God for good husbands!! Can I get an 'AMEN'! He dealt with J.D. (3) while I dealt with myself.
In the meantime of all of this, ALL of my inner circle (good friends & family) are calling me and praying with me. I haven't even hinted on how my spiritual life was at this time. Let's just say I wasn't feeling very uh .. 'loving' about God and his decision at that moment. But I prayed with my family and begged them to continue to pray for me even off the phone.
Anyways, I make it to the doctor and guess what, they want me to pee in a cup. I've been avoiding using the bathroom since Thursday at 3pm. I'm not even joking! This would be the 2nd time I'd went to the bathroom. Seriously. So I do and guess what ... more blood. Filled up a pad within seconds.
Rebecca, the ultrasound lady, gives me a hug and looks so sad for me but assured me thing are going to be ok and to keep in touch with her. Sad.
The nurse, Daniel and myself get into an elevator and go downstairs and she immediately gives me Valume, Ibuprofen and Fenigrin. And then she puts an IV in my hand and shoots me up with 2 doses of something to stop the HORRIBLE cramping I was feeling.
After about 35-45 minutes I'm on cloud 9 and she walks me into 'the room'! The FIRST THING I see is .... a BRIGHT RED BAG at the end of the table that says BIOHAZARD all over it. I LOSE IT! UGH ... Reality hit and I had to lay back on the table. She begin putting the twilight medicine in my IV and the doctor came in and she touched my leg to pat it.
I touched her hand and put my other hand on top of it and said "Father, in the name of Jesus I pray that you will be in this room today with Dr. Taupe. Lord guide her hands through this procedure and keep her mind clear and focused on what she has to do. Lord I pray you will be with me and not let me remember anything that I'm about to go through ..." And that is all I remember from that!
I woke up sitting in the chair I was sitting in before the surgery. Someone said how are you feeling and I said, "I just want to get this over with"! And they giggled and said "Honey, it is over with". Then I remember getting in the car and going to the pharmacy. I don't remember getting home. But I remember crawling in bed and sleeping for a few hours. I woke up to J.D. pulling my hair, trying to rub it, and saying "Mama, get up! Come watch Caillou". Bless his heart, he just don't understand.
And about J.D. :o( He knew he was going to be a big brother. He thought we had a baby in an egg in my belly! lol ... He was so cute about it. Well, Wednesday night he grabbed the ultrasound picture of my nightstand that I forgot to move and said ... "Is that you baby mama". And I said "Yep". He said, "In you belly?" And I told him that our baby is in Heaven with Jesus. He understands that. Papa just passed away a few months ago and he says "Papa in Heaven with Jesus." He knows Cassie is in Heaven with Jesus. And even when it rains he'll say "God wants it to rain Mama?" lol ... He's a love bug! And last night before Mama got here he rubbed my belly and said "You baby in Heaven with Jesus?". I nodded my head and he said "I wuv you with all my heart Mama". :o( *sigh* I love him too.
BUT ... I'm fine now. Today is a new day. Things like this happen but life contines to go on. I praise God that I was not farther along like some people and I praise God I am the kind of person who understands that we live on God's time and not our own. I'm thankful I have the spiritual knowledge that helps me to understand that he has my best interest at heart no matter what he allows to happen.
Today ... it's a new day! A new beginning. Yes, I'm sad. Especially when I touch my stomach and it's not hard anymore but soft. That breaks my heart. And the images of seeing my baby wiggle in me with its little nubby arms will never go away. Nor will the images of seeing him or her laying there motionless without a heartbeat. :o( *tear* But that baby is in Heaven and when I get there .... We WILL be together.
Psalm 31:7:
7 I will rejoice and be glad in Your faithful love
because You have seen my affliction.
You have known the troubles of my life
I was very upset the other day with God because I didn't feel his presence with me when I needed it. I know what God's presence feels like and it wasn't there. I opened up and told my aunt about it and just cried and she prayed a VERY strong prayer with me and I tell you what. I think she was straight knocking on the walls of Heaven because I could feel love and peace come over me. She prayed for me to understand that this procedure had to be done and I assure you when I woke up yesterday morning I was scared but ready to get it done. I knew it had to be done. I had a peace over me while I was laying there in pain. And I have a peace over me now! I slept well last night and my mom even let my little boy spend the night! lol ... He's 3 and he's only spend the night ONCE in his whole life. Y'all ... God is good! lol ... He will come through when you need him ... And when you think you don't.
4 comments:
I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your family.
Oh, how you make me cry...
I remember when I prayed so hard for a baby. Finally, pregnant and hubby didn't accept it as real until we went for the OB visit to make it 'official.'
But, I spotted two days before the 8 week exam. I called the OB and followed all the rules and then went in for the 1st exam.
They double checked and sent me in for a level 3 sonogram... I didn't want to accept it.
I was bleeding some and spotting. Hubby wasn't with me because I was still in that independent woman frame of mind, "No honey, this is just the first visit.. I can handle it." We are so smart and well put together, but we were idiots.
I sat there watching all the pregnant mommies at different gestational stages while I tried to hold my tears and emotions inside waiting to be called back in for the results.
My OB is awesome and she sent me home "with my hopes" to let me come to grips...
I broke out in hives that splotched in 4 x 4 inch swollen patches. Even, my scalp. It was awful.
Then, the cramps came. And, they are the most painful thing. More painful than child birth.
But, that could be both physical and emotional. I had my D&C and meds and thought I was fine until I got to my office.
I broke down about 30 minutes into the day and went home to cry and mourn.
I love my God. I trust in him. Three months later I was pregnant again (after my mom was in an almost deathly accident).... Six months after the birth of my son, I was unexpectedly pregnant with my daughter.
God is good.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing all that you went through....
Wow ... what a story! And yes, God is good! That's awesome about your kids.
This pregnancy was "an accident". We were definitely not planning for it. lol J.D. was planned. This one ... we were like ... "omg, what happened?" But we accepted it and then this happened.
Crazy how things work out. Makes you wonder why did it happen in the first place? But, those are questions that we will never know the answers to.
Thank you so much for sharing. Sometimes you feel so alone until you know someone else's story.
Oh Kaprice!!,
I know I haven't talked to you in awhile, but I hope you're feeling a little better. I know it takes awhile. I've had 4 miscarriages. 3 of which required D&C's. The one that I didn't have a D&C with was terrible!! My heart goes out to you, and you are in my prayers, sweetie. Be blessed, and know that there are others that feel your pain with you.
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